Holiday accommodation offered

Followed a link from here to here and found this top quality advert.

So,

This couple of very successful archaeologists got married. As a wedding present to each other they decided to have a really class house built. When the class house was completed they started moving in. Of course, being successful archologists, they both had a huge collection of fossilised bones. They decided that they didn’t want their class house cluttered with bones so decided to stow them in the attic. Tragically, the attic wasn’t really designed to take the stresses and strains of stowing away so many bones and the whole class house collapsed killing both archeologists.

The moral of the story being...

People in class houses shouldn’t stow bones.

Eyethangyew

How to keep your head when everyone else is losing theirs

Be the state executioner.

Keep death off the roads

On the way to work this morning I was almost hit by Mrs Myopia in her nice little hatchback. Just exiting a roundabout, me in my rightful place in lane two, her in lane one. Without a glance in the direction of any of her mirrors, head fixed straight ahead she gave one blink of her indicator and pulled out. I was next to her, my front wheel level with her door, her peripheral vision should have picked me out, her hearing should have registered the growl of 150 odd angry horses, she should at least of heard the fecking horn. But she didn’t. She completed the manouevre, oblivious to my existence, and then she looked in her mirror, saw the nice but very pissed off motorcyclist about three inches from her tailgate squeezing everything on his bike to make it stop. What did she do? She smiled and waved. Wothefekareyoudoningontheroadyasillycow?

So, that’s the rant out of the way. It’s not one particular group of drivers. Bad drivers (including motorcyclists) come from all social groups, ages and sexes, you’re just as likely to be killed by an 18 year old lad, a 45 year old solicitor or an eighty five year old lady. Though I do hold a special place in my own version of what hell will be like for van drivers. It’s not always speed, my last three “moments” were all well below the speed limit, at junctions and roundabouts. It’s simply bad driving. The act of driving seems to come way down the priority list of things worthy of spending attention on when going somewhere in the car or on the bike or in the van.

What do we do about it? Well, euthanasia, flogging and hanging would all have the “save the one eyed lesbian single mother whales” society up in arms. Singling out one group for special treatment would be discriminatory.

Here’s what we should do. Use simple behaviourism, positive reinforcement, give the good doggy a biscuit. We train people to be better drivers, we retrain them periodically and then we reward them for good driving. In New South Wales, Australia they have a licencing system that goes some of the way towards doing this. You get a bog standard licence which you have to renew every year, If you have been good, had no accidents and committed no offences you then get a bronze licence, cheaper insurance and you don’t have to renew it for two years. If you continue to keep your nose clean you then get a silver licence followed by a gold, longer renewal period, even cheaper insurance. Bad driving results in a downgraded licence, more expensive insurance. Licence renewal time could be the ideal time for a spot of compulsory refresher training, a highway code test, perhaps a few basic skills (emergency stop, observation skills and so on) could be checked and an eye test adminstered.

Oh, and perhaps we should drown the obviously stupid ones, they are pretty easy to spot, they will turn up in a van or have their cap on backwards.

BTW, I feel qualified to comment on road safety. I have done a huge amount of advanced rider training on the road and on the race track. I have passed the Institute of Advanced Motoring motorcycle test and the RoSPA advanced motorcycle test achieving a Gold Standard. I also ride 100 miles per working day in all conditions.

Stats

OK, I’m not mentioned in the Guardian and I didn’t get mentioned on Capital Radio yesterday, but I should get my 2,000th visitor today. As usual, if it’s you then the counter over there on the right will read 2,000. Say hello.

Mind games

I’ve been having an email conversation with someone I’ve never met this morning. I manged to criticise her work, piss her off, wind her up and then have her not only putting me on her Christmas card list but promising to send me the “biggest” Christmas card.

Right, who’s next?

Brain FM

Is currently playing “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel. Somebody help me!

Bleurgh!

Another night out with the Sith Efrikans, another night sleeping on someone’s sofa, another hangover. Will I ever learn?

Straw poll

I’m going to get broadband so, if you have broadband and don’t mind sharing your thoughts on it. Who’s your provider? Are you happy with it? Do they provide a good service? Is it value for money? Etc etc etc.

Breakfast of champions

Mmmmmm, scrambled eggs, two sausages, hash browns, beans and a very large fresh coffee. £1.45 from the canteen. Should be able to knock out a few lines of code today.

The new bronze age?

So, we had three or four days of summer type weather last week, how come everyone in Southampton looks like they spent the last six months on a beach in the Bahamas? They’re all sporting deep golden British Airways cabin crew type tans, almost like the ones promised on billboards advertising self tanning lotion products.

Ah divn't want crushed nuts like

Nuclear brown ice cream now available in the ‘toon.

Pardon me

Burping Action Man tested at North Pole. Nice to see a bit of serious science being done for a change. But can it burp talk “Archbishop Makarios”.

Motivational, schmotivational

This posting by Gordon about spoof motivational posters etc. reminded me to re-read Peopleware by Tom DeMarco and Tim Lister of the Atlantic Systems Guild. There is a very good section entitled Those Damn Posters and Plaques dealing with motivational posters. If you’re involved in a software development team at any level you should read this book. In fact, if you’re involved in any kind of a team you should read it.

Spiky bras

I agree with Pete, If I had breasts I would rush out and buy a Spiky Bra immediately. Well, as soon as I had finished my shower that is.

My response to a spam e-mail offering 50% off tennis videos

You seem to have "harvested" my e-mail address from one of my friends' e-mails. I receive more than enough "spam" e-mails already, offering untold riches, pictures of naked ladies, a larger penis in days without exercise, viagra and so on. Whilst I welcome the above offers I'm afraid that I am not very interested in tennis (Anna Kournikova excepted) so would be very grateful if you would remove my address from your mailing lists. I would also suggest that you forward this to your marketing staff who should really be aware of e-mail etiquette in a world where over 50% of e-mail traffic is considered to be junk.

Please do not be offended by the fact that I don't want to be on your mailing list, it's not personal.

Phew wot a scorcher

In true blue British tradition – No air conditioning in the office today, it’s broken down.

Stripping

I spent the weekend stripping at least twenty years worth of paint from the sash window in the bathroom using a hot air stripper, a scraper and lot’s of elbow grease. I’m about two thirds finished and now have a right forearm that would put any teenage left handed web surfer to shame. It’s an oddly satifying job, stripping paint.

Frantic five minutes

A very upset Cathy came home from the shops on Saturday afternoon. She had taken her eyes off of Sam for a few seconds in the toy shop, she turned around and there he was, GONE. A frantic five minutes of searching Haslemere High Street assisted by shop staff and passers by found him several doors away having a look around the chemist shop. So do we buy one of those retracting dog leads or a length of chain and an old tractor tyre and treat him like pikey’s pony?

A thousand thanks go to everyone who helped Cathy look for him. Sam, you’re grounded until you're responsible enough not to bugger off!

That impressed me much

Did anyone see the Jonathon Ross show on Friday evening (except Dan who was there apparently)? Is it just me or does anyone else think that Shania Twain is a bit of awright? Now, I don’t say this lightly, but Kylie has been knocked off the top slot in my ten best (birds other than Cathy that is). It’s country music for me from now on.