Crime and punishment, schmunishment!

Bollocks!

A man has, apparently, been sentenced to life imprisonment, here in the UK, for setting a rubbish bin alight and then threatening to commit further, more serious, crimes. Perhaps a couple of weeks playing Mummies and Daddies with Big Billy from B Block (you all know the gag: "We're going to play Mummies and Daddies tonight, do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" "Erm, I'll be Daddy!" "Right Daddy, suck Mummy's willy!") will probably cure him of his criminal intent and save the UK taxpayer millions of pounds on: three square meals and a TV, clean needles, appeals, court fees, lawyers fees (allegedly), compensation etc.

On the flip side, people convicted of looting during the recent fuel depot disaster should feel the full weight of the law (which in this case would probably result in 27.5 seconds worth of community service and a very fashionable electronic tag attached to their, undoubtably tatooed skinny ankles).

And these little scumbags, and anyone who begat them, should be nailed to the shithouse wall at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

S’cuse me if I’m sounding a little bit Daily Mail today, I spent quite a lot of time on trains.

Tacky yet delightfully unrefined

It's that time of year again - Christmas lingerie shopping this evening…

"Good evening Sir, can I help you?"
"Well, erm, yes, I'm looking for something saucy for my wife – well for me really but my wife will be wearing it, she's a quality bird so nothing too tacky."
"What does your wife like?"
"Well, I happened to notice a skin tight, red, PVC nurses outfit and some 9" stiletto, patent leather, thigh boots on the way in…"

All followed by a few beers and people watching with Simon and rounded off with a cornish pasty and trying to stay awake on the train home.

I'm a man of simple tastes.

Robust shoutyness

There's a large shouty man walking around the office being annoyingly loud. Talking in that infuriating, clipped, mock upper class English kind of a way common to black and white war movies, real ale drinkers and nerds. You know the ones, "Jolly Good", "How the devil are you old chap?", "I'm fine, it's the others!"

Someone is going to have to tell him to take his mobile phone outside and shut the fuck up!

It works by electricity you stupid twat, you don't need to shout down it like it's a hollow tube ferfekssake!

Maybe I should do it!

I can be diplomatic!

Can't I?

Knobhead!