Interviewing for the Sistine Chapel Ceiling Contract

So, Mr Michelangelo, can you do cherubs?
Yes.
Deities?
No problem.
We’ll be needing an active background: beards, loin cloths, heavenly hosts, Romans, all that religious stuff.
Erm, I'm not very good at beards but I can do the rest.
Can you do the nativity?
Apart from the myrh, I'm not very good at myrh. How's about I imply the myrh with a nice jar?
Could you represent the relationship between God and man in Trompe l’oeil?
No problem,my trompe l’oeil is outstanding (or so it appears to the naked eye anyway).
With a bit of lightening?
One bolt or two?
We want this stuff to last for hundreds of years, can you guarantee it?
No worries – all my work endures.
Great, you're hired. Take this brush and give the ceiling a couple of coats of beige emulsion will you – by Friday else you're fired for being crap!

Alarm!

We have a flat in London (I know, rich b'stards) which we rent out. The managing agents rang today to tell us that they had had a letter from the tenants expressing concern about the fact that the CO2 alarm kept bleeping. Now, to my mind, if an alarm goes off (or even bleeps) you should get the fek outta Dodge and work out the details from a safe distance – you DO NOT write a letter and hope for the best. It's a simple solution, the alarm needs a new battery but, and we're talking about survival here, if an alarm goes off, put some distance between yourself and the source of the alarm, then start writing letters!

Pandemic pandemonium

The company has been hit by a severe outbreak of Permie Flu. It's a bit like Chicken Flu but only affects permanent members of staff. A few of the contractors seem to have a slight cold.