Right, sod this

I'm off to play golf, here.

Up the workers

Most people in Britain are happy with their lot at work according to a survey by The Work Foundation. A neveratossPoll of this particular wage slave comes up with A VERY DIFFERENT RESULT. Do you love your job?

How to eat an apple

Blokes: Rub apple on sleeve, stick apple I gob, bite, chew, repeat until only core left.

Birds: Go to kitchen, place large piece of kitchen roll on worktop, get sharp knife, wash sharp knife, dry sharp knife, cut apple into small pieces, place second large piece of kitchen roll on worktop, transfer edible bits of apple to second piece of kitchen roll, wrap inedible bits of apple in first piece of kitchen roll and throw in bin, get third large piece of kitchen roll and clean the already clean worktop, throw away third piece of kitchen roll, wash sharp knife, dry sharp knife, transfer apple to plate, throw away second piece of kitchen roll, eat apple.

Holidaying within tent

Geddit? We're off for a few days holiday camping in Cornwall so, itss time to upgrade the trusty old two man tent which always gave me an instant erection (come on, you can't pass up a chance to use a phrase like that in the public domain). The question is, do we get one of these or one of these for ten quid extra? I prefer the latter as it has the extra bedroom and, if pitched on Clapham Common would probably be worth £250,000 in five years time. Now, I wonder if they do one with a roof terrace.

Lights, camera, inaction

There's a film crew wandering aropund at work today making some kind of promotional video. They made a great show of filming a bunch of office workers doing office work. Now, I’m no Barry Norman but… yawn!

Ready, aim

FIRE! Where? At the Museum of Naval Fire Power of course!


You couldn't make this up.

A golf lesson in parenting

Whilst at the golf driving range yesterday morning, working on my slice, there were two fathers and sons having a "knock". Both fathers were about my age and both sons were seven or eight years old. Both fathers were instructing their boys in the fine art of not being able to hit a ball with a stick. One pair were having fun, gentle guidance was being given, the father was leading by example, they were having fun, laughing at each other's bad shots, praising each other's good shots. The other pair were doing it a different way, the father was giving his boy micro-instruction, criticising his bad shots, telling him off when he moved his feet, overloading the lad with information and negative feedback, there was no laughter in the whole experience. Neither pair learned a lot about golf, the first pair went home with a happy shared experience and a couple of funny stories for mum.

Parasites II

Now I have some arse of a company trying to register domain names at my address.

A bit long in the tooth

Christopher Plummer always plays a sinister kind of a character, mad scientist, twisted doctor, nazi torturer, Baron Vonn Trapp, you know the stuff. My new dentist looks like Christopher Plummer, it could have been worse I suppose, he could look like Dear Dear Larry ("is it safe?"). Scared the crap out of me. He sorted my problem out quick smart though (loose crown + trapped food = abscess) by applying electrical shocks to my genitals until I stopped whinging about toothache and confessed assassinating Diana. I may have implicated a few of you lot as well, I can't stand the pain you see. He's a very nice man, a very, very nice man, but he's sending me to see the hygienist for a ritual humiliation next week.