Right, sod this for a game of soldiers

I'm off to Cornwall.

Animal magnetism

A very sleepy headed Sam got into bed with us this morning just before I got up for work. He started grizzling so I asked him what was wrong. He replied, "You smell daddy, you smell like a goat!"

We are not amused

A rather posh old couple got on the train late last night, he was wearing his dinner jacket and black tie, she was in a rather fetching evening gown: they had obviously been to a "bit of a do". They sat opposite a very drunk drunk who was listening to his iPod and trying to stay awake whilst dropping most of his cheese salad sandwich into his own lap. Every time the drunk looked up, at least one of them was glaring disapprovingly at him. The old lady looked like she had just given half a dozen tramps a blow job and couldn't decide whether to spit or swallow, the man scowled over his half rimmed glasses, probably because he didn't get a blow job. The drunk found all this very amusing and chuckled away to himself every few minutes: this only made them purse their lips and glare harder.

Guess who the drunk was.

Look at the alloy wheels on that!

There were three young blokes walking down the street in front of me at lunchtime discussing the rather nice Mercedes SLK at the traffic lights, or rather, the alloy wheels on said Mercedes SLK.

Bloke 1: They're nineteen inch they are!
Bloke 2: Nah, they're twenty-ones!
Bloke 3: Yeah, they're twenty-ones!

Why do blokes talk such crap?