iDesk workstation

iDon't use an iMac but iNeed one of these. A superb piece of design.

Flash Mob

Right this is it, let’s get on the Flash Mob bandwagon. Today, Southampton, Hogshead Tavern, 12:30pm. We’ll suddenly turn up, drink beer for an hour and then just leave.

News Flash: They never knew what hit them.

Oi, bogey breath

It’s National Good Manners Day you stupid git!

Peanuts

I returned to work this morning to find three three peanuts still in their shells on my keyboard and I won't tell you what some wag has drawn on my notepad. Is someone trying to tell me something?

The most powerful nation on Earth

Looks like America has used up all the electri...

A day up London

Had a day up the Big Smoke yesterday, black bogies (boogers) are back.

One in the eye for Mrs Gamp

Every now and again a great invention comes along. I for one am quietly impressed with the idea of the Spring Loaded Umbrella or Splu. I’m sure that other tall people will welcome it too. Now where do I get one?

Behaviourism, marketing, redundancy, preparation for the begging bowl and Homer Simpson

I just returned from lunch to find a couple of fairly ordinary promo girls, in short skirts, wiggling around of the company dishing out "free" samples of Uncle Ben’s rice. Rice, what’s wrong with tequila? Let’s face it, you’re not gonna get Heidi Klumm pushing rice ferchrissake. I seem to be the only person within ranting distance to find this offensive. My colleagues simply grin that consumer grin and say "free rice, mmmmmm". They are walking around proudly clutching bags of Uncle Ben’s rice imagining that they could shag the promo girls. It is all a bit too Homer Simpson for me I’m afraid. The next thing will be that you are required as part of your contract to take part in marketing exercises driven by companies that one of the directors has played golf with recently. This company is going to hell in a handcart, they are laying people off hand over fist and they spend their energies on this. Perhaps it’s an exercise in conditioning; get the employees used to a staple diet of rice so the begging bowl doesn’t seem like such a large step down the food chain.
Fuck that! (pardon the Skandinavian), I shall now be mostly NOT buying Uncle Ben’s Rice or any product from the company who allow this kind of crap to be visited on its employees. I’ll get my coat; I got sacked last week anyway.
Mmmmmm, rice, mmmmmmm food, mmmmmmmm doughnuts, mmmmmmmm Duff beer!

Short, shorter and shortest stories

Via Grom comes The Phone Book, a site which I think is nothing short of fantastic.

Thanks Grom.

The oldest swingers in town...

...are playing golf again this afternoon, six of us this time. The competition is hotting up and I predict a proper tournament soon. Went to the local discount sports shop at lunchtime (oh, and the pub) to buy some cheap balls for the boys to lose. Swiss Tony, who is back from his Combi van trip around Switzerland and has finally updated his (cr4p) blog, spotted a half set of clubs and a bag for £50.00. He is now fully tooled up. Next thing you know he’ll be developing a swing. Anyroad up, a bad afternoon of golf is better than a good afternoon at work.

Update: My colleague Paul has just scurried down to the sports shop for £50.00 worth of golf clubs.

Great news for hikers, at last

The concrete monstrosity at the top of Mount Snowdon (the highest mountain in Wales if you didn’t already know) is to be replaced, ideally by nothing, hopefully by something a little more in line with the wild beauty of Snowdonia. I didn’t know this, but it was designed by Sir Clough Williams-Ellis, the same lunatic who created this eyesore which is Portmeirion. That explains a lot, bloody environmental vandal. I climbed Snowdon a couple of times (too many), every path is covered by the training shoe and carrier bag brigade. Your reward for your efforts is to walk into the middle of a sea of grockles who came up on the train to buy souvenir tea towels and to drink plastic cups of tea before descending on the train. If there must be a building on the top of Snowdon it should, in my humble opinion, be a hertitage centre, built of local slate and dedicated to things Snowdonian, wildlife, eagles (Snowdon is called Eryri in Welsh which means Eagles Nest), outdoor pursuits, the environment, Welsh culture. There should also be a café serving steaming great bowls of Welsh lamb stew only to people who have walked up. They will probably build a McDonalds. For my money, there are many better walks in the area, take the Glyders (Glyder Fawr, Glyder Fach) just across the Llanberis pass for example, challenging, beautiful walks and no grockles.

DeedlidoodoodoodeedlidoodoodoooHELLOIMONTHETRAIN

I heard this morning that we will spend £70 million this year on mobile phone ring tones and that this is set to rise and outsell CD singles. Seventy million quid (that’s £70,000,000.00) on mindless annoying trivia, that’s a hospital or a few schools for feks sake!

A "match made" in heaven

Here’s a little animation via Dan over there at projectblack (now white, obviously) which would explain why I have always preferred ladies with curves.

34DD Bikini Coffee Bar and cyber cafe...

This weeks special offer ...We have a large selection of delightful buns this week, our highly motivated staff would be happy to warm them for you for a small fee.

Small, medium or 34DD Sir?

Apparently, bikini coffee bars in Chile ...appeal to the "depraved simplicity" of men's minds. Fair enough, I resemble that remark, but there’s no reason to campaign to close them down is it?. One of these would go down a bomb in Haslemere, particularly if there was a car wash out back. And think what it would do for the general health of the male population. I think I’ll start a campaign to open a UK wide chain.

Come and get a cup full, and an eye full at the 34 Double D coffee bar and car wash. Big jugs our speciality.

The world’s worst sniffer dog...

...was on duty on Friday night in Guildford along with half of Surrey’s police force (more on the over policing of Guildford later). Rover the drug sniffer dog made a beeline for my mate Dave’s crotch, PC Plod and Officer Dibble put him a loose arm lock and carted him off for a nice little strip search in the back of a police van. Several other keystone kops busied themselves milling around, looking hard, calling for backup (really) and trying to move me on whilst I waited for the inevitable outcome. Inevitable because, you see, Dave doesn’t do drugs, period, full stop, not at all, not even a little bit, well OK, the odd paracetemol. He explained all of this to the nice jobsworth fascists, he also explained that he is in the Royal Air Force and is subject to random drug tests. They explained that the dog was highly trained so they had to do their jobs. Dave explained that the dog was most definitely not highly trained. He emerged half an hour later looking very angry, walking funny and muttering about complaints procedures. We then went and got completely mindlessly rat faced on legal drugs in the shape of jugs of long Island Iced Teas (doubles of course) and sambuka.

Update: I did a bit of digging and found that the world’s most useless sniffer dog was part of the ongoing Surrey Police Operation Dragnet which is targeting the dealing and use of crack cocaine in the Guildford area. Perhaps they might explain to PC Rover that he needs to stop pissing about and take his job a little more seriously, my mum’s terrier could do better. And, perhaps if this had been explained at the time my friend Dave and myself might have been much more understanding of the whole situation.