Ninety eight, ninety nine, change mouse buttons.

I've been using my mouse a lot today and have a numb right forearm at the moment. Draw your own conclusions, I'm off to make the most of it whilst I still can't feel it.

Overheard in the office a few minutes ago

Bloke 1 (who happens to be straight): "Did anyone see that program about going straight last night?"
Bloke 2 (who happens to be gay): "No, did anyone see that program about Abba?"

Is it just me

Or does anyone else think that Naomi Watts is a bit of alright?

A resistible force meeting a movable object

Every day, for a hundred metres in both directions outside the school Chelsea Tractors are parked nose-to-tail. Half on the pavement astride the zigzag lines, five litre engines ticking over, guzzling petrol, spewing out exhaust fumes two feet above the ground. Well heeled ladies wot lunch drop off their precious little cargoes before heading off to negotiate the treacherous terrain of the Waitrose car park. Meanwhile, another group of ladies, resembling Day-Glo coloured mother hens, guide the walking bus on its cheerful way along the pavement. Happy, smiling, chattering five and six year olds are forced to squeeze their way between the parked cars and the wall, dodging inconsiderately opened doors, sucking the fumes deep into their young chests. Everyone seems to take this mindlessness in their stride as if it's a normal part of their day.

Tigers are better than slugs

Sam managed to see the bit in the Harry Potter movie were Ron Weasly puts the slug spell on himself by mistake and spends ages regurgitating slugs. It seems to have had an effect on him. In spite of the fact that he's perfectly happy with every kind of creepy crawly thing, he's been having bad dreams about slugs. As I was getting him ready for bed last night, he was on the very edge of sleep, I gave him a kiss and a hug and said, "Sweet dreams little boy". He replied that he would dream of slugs, I told him to have happy dreams about tigers, his current favourite animal, instead. He nodded off mumbling about, "big happy tigers" and, I'm pleased to say, reported "big happy tiger dreams" this morning.

Great product, crap customer service robots

Symantec, of all companies, are, I'm sorry to say, on the verge of losing my business. I have had Norton Anti Virus and Norton Personal Firewall on my PC for just over a year. I have been very happy with both products, they do exactly what it says on the box. My anti virus subscription expired at the weekend and I can't renew it because their web based subscription renewal bombs out half way through. Their support phone line sends me around an endless loop telling how to renew my subscription using their brilliant web based subscripton renewal application. At no point can I get to talk to a human to give them my money. They're about to lose a customer who really likes their product, how ridiculous is that?

Your call is not important to us

That's why you're on hold listening to an endless recording of an over enthusiastic twat telling you how great their company is and how important your call is. This is not just one company that I'm struggling to deal with here, it's three of the buggers.

Old friends good beer, strange conversation

Went for beers with a bunch of old colleagues, including Simon who never misses the chance for an ale or three. I arrived a pint or so after the main group to find them discussing cosmetic anal bleaching (NSFW).

You are NOT going anywhere near my Gary with a bottle of Domestos matey!

That should get me a few weird hits I reckon.

Happy birthday

To my mum. She won't be reading this but what's the point of having a blog if you can't wish your mum happy birthday?

Drinking on a school night

I should know better, but sod this, I'm off to the pub with the usual suspects. Feel free to join us if you're in the area, I need someone to blame.

I seem to have gained weight

Can anyone explain why my son and heir would fill my jacket pocket with stones?

Stating the bleeding obvious

Like most companies we have a development methodolgy (of sorts): set the deadline; work out how many tasks are required; divide deadline by number of tasks to produce firm estimates; start producing useless documents; try to do five weeks worth of programming in five days; blah blah blah. We have templates for the useless documents. They all have a section entitiled "Purpose of document". The Technical Specification always says "To specify the functionality of the program" and "To provide program specifications".

Surely the purpose of a Technical Specification is implied in the fucking title of the document!

Sponsored self indulgence

We have a bunch of well meaning, but portly, chaps at work who are doing a sponsored slim for chiridy. We always have a bunch of well meaning people at work doing something for chiridy, you become immune to the constant requests for sponsorship. It strikes me that all they really need to do is to give all the money that they usually spend on pies directly to the chiridy in question and leave me to decide when and to whom I donate.

Meanwhile, in the irony department there is a cake sale in aid yet another chiridy.

Now, who would like to sponsor me to get pissed on Friday night? Go on, it's for chiridy!

The world’s most extreme nazi shark worst driving disaster home videos from hell.

Scanning through the "what’s on" section on TV last night I came across "Agas and their owners", billed as "an amusing documentary exploring the passionate relationship between the British middle class and this most eccentric of cookers"…

Don't they put some crap on the telly?

Today I are mostly being

Cynical.