Through the door, first on your left, one cross each

Just been to exercise my democratic right, no, left, no, right, I dunno. Which one is that nice Geoffrey Boycott from The Daily Mail in?

Update: It's a good job Sir Geoffrey didn't get in, we'd never get the bugger out again.

Owowogerroffyafekingbastartya!

Three in the morning, fast asleep, cramp in the right foot, OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Too old at 41

So, Alex Kingston is too old for Hollywood eh? Send her around to the Neveratoss home for over the hill actresses with a bag full of costumes from Moll Flanders. She can sleep on the casting couch ... eventually.

The Swiss Toni comedy suntan award

Best comedy suntan goes to Swiss Toni. He's a little bit thin on top and wore a bandanna to protect his turnip from the worst of the UVs. When he took it off in the evening he had a white napper and a red face, he looked like he was wearing someone else's scalp. Laugh, I almost bought my own beer!

The Tad Cooke comedy golf award

Golf is a cruel game, particluarly when you're playing wih a pair of accomplished piss takers. So, the best comedy golf award goes to the great man himself, Mr Tad Cooke, for his regular comedy shots into the woods. He deserves a special mention for his bunker shots on the seventeenth yesterday afternoon. I can honestly say that I've never seen a golf ball do that before. He threw his golf bag into the lake in disgust: it landed in the woods.

If you go down to the woods today

You'll probably find an awful lot of golf balls, many of which have only ever been hit once, badly, by a golf club. I played my best ever game yesterday, in sharp contrast to Tad and Swiss Toni who both had nightmares.

A pox on all your chickens

Sam's got chickenpox.