New experiences

Being a father opens up a whole new world of experiences. Having a three year old blowing a raspberry up your nose is one not to missed.

Wimbledon – rain stopped play

Here's the solution to a rained off Wimbledon. They get a million quid or so for winning Wimbledon, make the soft buggers play in the rain. I'd get wet and slide around in the mud with Anna Kournikova for four hours if I got a million quid at the end of it. I'd even try to come second!

Collapsing under cross examination

Me: I haven't been out for a beer for ages.
Cathy: Where were you when I called you last night?
Me: Erm, The Wheatsheaf.
Cathy: Haha! The prosecution rests M'Lud.

Doh!

Move over Sir Norman, I've got an idea

Design wanted for Antarctic base. How’s about a sort of iglooy kind of shape? That'll be £5,000,000.00 and a knighthood please..

Your Freudian slip is showing

Just knocking up a document, meant to type "plus" but typed "lust". Damn these Chinese zip fasteners.

A spanking good day at the office

Regular readers will know that I am bitterly opposed to the idea of corporal punishment. I am however, happy to make an exception when it comes to adults. I just had to give one of my colleagues a proper smack, several actually, in the office, in full view of the whole department. He deserved it, he was choking on his samosa!

Note to self … First aid refresher course for you my lad.

Note to Liz Hurley … if you ever feel the need for a good spanking Liz …

Efficiency, schmefficiency

Ever since I've worked on the iSeries (a loooong time), and its predecessor, the System 38, I've come across "clever" code written by "clever" programmers in the name of efficiency. This stems from the fact the the old iSeries boxes tended to be very slow: this is no longer the case. In my experience, in a "trailing edge" iSeries/RPG environment, "efficient" code is never clear or simple to manage whilst clear, simple code tends to be efficient almost as a by-product.

The Pandora's Box I'm trying to unravel at the moment is no exception. It may have started out life as an exercise in efficiency but has ended up an unmanageable horror story as bits have had to be bolted on over the years. It's full of thousands of lines of ersatz soft coding, dead ends, pitfalls, blind alleys, dragons, sea monsters, pirates, giraffes and bear traps. So, the air may be turning blue around my desk today (that'll make a change then) as I try to unravel this Spaghetti del Giorno al RPGese.

A diet rich in irony

In that it may be possible to make yourself more physically attractive whilst damaging your chances of becoming pregnant.

In praise of the fuller figure

I won't be buying myself one of these, but I love the Independent’s descripton of it as the Sophie Dahl of motorcycles.

When you have nothing to say

But need some words. Here's a very handy link to generate some and make yourself look clever at the same time. Or as they say in certain parts of Huddersfield, "Sed ut purus. Aenean nibh. Vestibulum massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Integer vitae augue non leo semper scelerisque. In sit amet nisl ut risus tincidunt aliquet. Nulla facilisi. Donec neque magna, euismod ac, dignissim in, consequat sed, nisl."


Translation: Are you looking at my bird's pint you soft shandy drinking southern poof?