And if you don't like it …

... you can suck my … I seem to have picked up an Eminem lyric which keeps going round and around my mother*%$!ing head you *%$!ing mother*%$!er! Yo!

Had a couple of beers at lunchtime

Didn't die, obviously recovered from Wednesday's excesses (the cause of my incapacity was Abbot Ale). Obviously won't be changing any cdoe this afternoon due top an inbabilty to tripe.

It's a miracle

Like Lazarus, I have returned from the dead. Anyone fancy a pint?

Will someone please…

…take this feking hangover away, I've had enough.

I still got it

Just got "checked out" in the sandwich shop by a rather attractive young lady. I caught her at it, twice, and she blushed, a lot. As with any unexpected laugh, I checked that my flies were done up before I leapt to the conclusion that she was checking me out. If you feel the need to comment, please be gentle with my ego.

Resistance is useless

Tescos are to introduce the trim trolly, a shopping trolley with a built in heart monitor and an adjustable resistance wheel to allow shoppers to have a work out whilst buying their pre-packaged, labour saving ready meals. Apparently, a forty minute shop burns off 160 calories. With the resistance wheel turned up to full you can burn off 280 calories which should then justify a bar of chocolate and a diet coke from the teaser shelf at the checkout. Call me an old cynic if you like, but isn't this a "load of old bollix" gimmick aimed directly at idiots? Every shopping trolley I have ever used has had a resistance wheel attached. I can just imagine the kind of knob head who will be taking advantage of this facility. If you want a work out whilst shopping why not leave the four wheel drive at home and walk to the supermarket, fatso? Or, as millions of mothers around the country will testify, take a toddler or two along, your heart rate will be well into the aerobic zone and you won't need a resistance wheel. Has the world gone stark staring bonkers? We don't need gimmicks, just good healthy food, ethically and humanely produced, at a reasonable price to the customer and to the environment.

Drinks anyone?

Beers this evening with Simon, Andy, Sam and assorted geeks at The Stage Door near Waterloo station, up London. All welcome as usual, we'll be there from 6:30pm. Just look out for a bunch of very handsome, intelligent looking, young chaps; walk straight past them and you'll find a bunch of oddball wierdos talking about computers, birds, politics, birds, social issues, birds and whether more than a handful is a waste (I'm firmly in the two British Standard Handfuls camp).

Power

We're testing a bunch of insurance quotation software at work at the moment. I've just been sitting with my colleague giving fictitious people horrible diseases to test out how it affects their quote. "I know, let's give him heart disease and make him an alcoholic, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!." Quite a disturbing thought.

And whilst we're not on the subject…

... of road safety. Putting on eye make-up and conducting an earnest conversation which requires regular extended eye contact with your passenger whilst driving is not very clever deary! Neither is reading your paperwork and drinking coffee you stupid twat! Both respectible looking, middle aged, business people travelling well below the speed limit by the way.

Dangerous activities and the greenhouse effect

I've taken a few risks in my time, I've jumped out of aeroplanes, I've ridden fast motorcycles, I've climbed up mountains, I've skied down mountains, I've run with the bulls, I've been drinking with Simon Brunning, I've even worked in a pub in Huddersfield. Yesterday was spent dismantling an ancient greenhouse, waiting for the ominous "crack, crack, crack" of broken glass. Now that IS scary.

Words

There are certain words and phrases which, to me, sound much better in a regional accent. I was reminded of this on Saturday whilst using the "strimmer". The word "strimmer" must be said in a Brummy accent. I can't say "cup of tea", I have to say "kipper tie" (from the famous joke), again in a Brummy accent. "Profiteroles", which I never actually eat, and "smoky bacon", which I regularly do, require a Geordie accent ("a canny bagga tudor smoky bacon pet"). "Calm down", cannot be said in anything other than Scouse, "you were lucky!" needs a broad Yorkshire drawl (a la Monty Python), "are you alright?" and "have you got a light?" should only be said in the most Norfolk of broads. Is it just me or does everyone else do this?

By the way, the Americans don't have "strimmers", they have "weed whackers" which sounds far better than "strimmer" (even in a Brummy accent).